Willa's Eulogy
When I began planning this day, I hadn't planned on two thngs. I hadn't planned to have my boy recovering from a broken arm the night before, and I hadn't expected to see a sea of butterfly pins in the audience. Willa's symbol has always been a butterfly, and these pins you wear are an unexpected gift from my sweet nieces in memory of their cousin Willa. Her symbol is also the reason we are releasing live butterflies today at her gravesite.
This morning Isaac asked me when his arm would stop hurting. I replied that it would when it began to heal from the inside. I realized then that our healing from Willa's death would be from the inside out.
We are very grateful for all your love and support as we travel what has been our darkest journey. We are blessed to live in a community where leaving the back door open results in food being left on the counter and dishes being done. We have also felt the love from people hundreds and thousands of miles away. All of it has been a palpable sustaining power that gets us through each day as we mourn the loss of our baby girl.
I wanted to be the one to share her life with you and tell you about her as I am the one who knows he best, and I have also known her the longest.
Willa Michele Tolman was born on October 15th at 3:45 in the afternoon. She was only 2 pounds 12 ounces and full of LIFE! She was named Willa after her Uncle Bill Tolman, and Michele, after her mother. She was the beautiful product of parents who love each other fiercely and were ready to start a family together. After a miscarriage in January we were thrilled with the news that Willa's life and growth had begun and a little one would be joining us for Thanksgiving. Little did we know that as she was growing, she was also starting her fight against a chromosomal condition that would ultimately end her life - Trisomy 18 or Edward's Syndrome. A 3rd copy of the 18th chromosome, the second most common chromosomal condition, and due to all the complications associated with it, considered "NOT COMPATIBLE WITH LIFE."
But after having the privilege of meeting and knowing Willa, I believe that in reality, this life was not compatible with her. Here are just a few things I know an have learned about Willa in our short time in mortality together.
Willa loved music. As the pregnancy continued, we discovered she was very petite, and we began weekly monitoring to assess her growth. I was constantly counting kicks and movements. The two things that could always get her to move were music and her daddy's hash browns for breakfast. (She must be her daddy's to love potatoes so much.) There were also times that her big brother's voice resulted in powerful kicks. She was happy and moving - all signs that she was NOT sick. Nurses kept saying, "babies who don't feel good don't move." Not our Willa. She apparently felt very good. Especially when she heard music. Each week became a sacred time to sit and listen to her steady healthy heartbeat and to walk away eager for one more week of her growing.
Willa loved her daddy's touch. She arrived seven weeks early. She was not handed to mom, but rather rushed to nearby waiting nurses. Daddy was able to be with her, and he was the first recognizable voice she heard, and his embrace was also the last she felt. Once she arrive in the NICU, hearing his voice usually opened her tiny eyelids and had her searching for his hand on her head. She knew where she was most loved and protected.
Willa was feisty and strong. Looking back,, we know realize that she had disguised all the obvious symptoms of her condition. She fought nurses who tried to attach tubes and IV's. She showed her strength to doctors and nurses, and also showed them how truly special tiny packages can be. More than anything in this world, she wanted that tiny body to be hers. She did not want to be a miscarriage or stillborn baby (as a good majority of T-18 babies are) She wanted a body, a name, a life, and to make her mark in this big old world. That she did, living just four hours shy of 8 full days and being surrounded by the vast amounts of love and prayers by so many in her behalf. Many knew her parents, and many who didn't know us, but were touched by her story.
Nothing could have prepared our family to lose our sweet Willa. She was an unexpected blessing, and the answer to sincere prayer. I have many questions that I hope some day are answered, and there truly are no words for the anguish my heart knows so well. But I do want my children and the rest of you to know that I know God lives! I know He loves me! I know that he knows personally of hte struggles I have and each of us have - as he too suffered all things so that he knows how best to comfort us. I know he commands the elements and has all power, yet I also know that he stayed his mighty hand when my little angel had one too many itty bitty chromosomes. I can't accept his help and testify of his power in one area an deny his existence in another. He has been my source of strength so many times that I can't and won't deny him now.
While my soul understands the "big picture" and that she lives on with loved ones, my mortal body longs to have her in many ways. The only thing that brings me peace is to think of the small blessings and tender mercies that accompanied her time here. Though Willa's time was short, I am grateful for every moment we had with her. For pictures, for kicks and heartbeats. For opened eyes and for snuggles. Most importantly, I am grateful for temple covenants made at the alter in the Logan Temple just 18 months ago that guarantees that she will be ours for eternity if we do our part.
This morning Isaac asked me when his arm would stop hurting. I replied that it would when it began to heal from the inside. I realized then that our healing from Willa's death would be from the inside out.
We are very grateful for all your love and support as we travel what has been our darkest journey. We are blessed to live in a community where leaving the back door open results in food being left on the counter and dishes being done. We have also felt the love from people hundreds and thousands of miles away. All of it has been a palpable sustaining power that gets us through each day as we mourn the loss of our baby girl.
I wanted to be the one to share her life with you and tell you about her as I am the one who knows he best, and I have also known her the longest.
Willa Michele Tolman was born on October 15th at 3:45 in the afternoon. She was only 2 pounds 12 ounces and full of LIFE! She was named Willa after her Uncle Bill Tolman, and Michele, after her mother. She was the beautiful product of parents who love each other fiercely and were ready to start a family together. After a miscarriage in January we were thrilled with the news that Willa's life and growth had begun and a little one would be joining us for Thanksgiving. Little did we know that as she was growing, she was also starting her fight against a chromosomal condition that would ultimately end her life - Trisomy 18 or Edward's Syndrome. A 3rd copy of the 18th chromosome, the second most common chromosomal condition, and due to all the complications associated with it, considered "NOT COMPATIBLE WITH LIFE."
But after having the privilege of meeting and knowing Willa, I believe that in reality, this life was not compatible with her. Here are just a few things I know an have learned about Willa in our short time in mortality together.
Willa loved music. As the pregnancy continued, we discovered she was very petite, and we began weekly monitoring to assess her growth. I was constantly counting kicks and movements. The two things that could always get her to move were music and her daddy's hash browns for breakfast. (She must be her daddy's to love potatoes so much.) There were also times that her big brother's voice resulted in powerful kicks. She was happy and moving - all signs that she was NOT sick. Nurses kept saying, "babies who don't feel good don't move." Not our Willa. She apparently felt very good. Especially when she heard music. Each week became a sacred time to sit and listen to her steady healthy heartbeat and to walk away eager for one more week of her growing.
Willa loved her daddy's touch. She arrived seven weeks early. She was not handed to mom, but rather rushed to nearby waiting nurses. Daddy was able to be with her, and he was the first recognizable voice she heard, and his embrace was also the last she felt. Once she arrive in the NICU, hearing his voice usually opened her tiny eyelids and had her searching for his hand on her head. She knew where she was most loved and protected.
Willa was feisty and strong. Looking back,, we know realize that she had disguised all the obvious symptoms of her condition. She fought nurses who tried to attach tubes and IV's. She showed her strength to doctors and nurses, and also showed them how truly special tiny packages can be. More than anything in this world, she wanted that tiny body to be hers. She did not want to be a miscarriage or stillborn baby (as a good majority of T-18 babies are) She wanted a body, a name, a life, and to make her mark in this big old world. That she did, living just four hours shy of 8 full days and being surrounded by the vast amounts of love and prayers by so many in her behalf. Many knew her parents, and many who didn't know us, but were touched by her story.
Nothing could have prepared our family to lose our sweet Willa. She was an unexpected blessing, and the answer to sincere prayer. I have many questions that I hope some day are answered, and there truly are no words for the anguish my heart knows so well. But I do want my children and the rest of you to know that I know God lives! I know He loves me! I know that he knows personally of hte struggles I have and each of us have - as he too suffered all things so that he knows how best to comfort us. I know he commands the elements and has all power, yet I also know that he stayed his mighty hand when my little angel had one too many itty bitty chromosomes. I can't accept his help and testify of his power in one area an deny his existence in another. He has been my source of strength so many times that I can't and won't deny him now.
While my soul understands the "big picture" and that she lives on with loved ones, my mortal body longs to have her in many ways. The only thing that brings me peace is to think of the small blessings and tender mercies that accompanied her time here. Though Willa's time was short, I am grateful for every moment we had with her. For pictures, for kicks and heartbeats. For opened eyes and for snuggles. Most importantly, I am grateful for temple covenants made at the alter in the Logan Temple just 18 months ago that guarantees that she will be ours for eternity if we do our part.
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