Forever Families

Today was big brother's last participation in our church's annual event - the Primary Program.  It is held during our congregational meeting, lasting about an hour, and is the chance for all our children to show the congregation the songs and gospel truths they have learned throughout the year.  

I loved watching him participate, knowing that within just a few months he will be graduating on to bigger and better things.  He is the tallest kid in the group, and to top it off he is sporting a neon green cast from thumb to shoulder covering the arm he broke the night before Willa's funeral.  He smiles.  I am not sure he is excited that his favorite aunt showed up as a surprise, or if he is glad this is the last time he has to do this.  

It has been hard to return to full church attendance.  I am not mad at God or fading in my beliefs. I am just empty, and going reminds me of just that.  A a few weeks ago, I was one of six expectant mothers sharing stories of due dates, sleepless nights and doctor visits. I was giving constant updates since most knew of the loss of one baby and the issues we had already faced with Willa.  Many had prayed in out behalf, and I fully expected to go from being part of the expectant group of women to those toting car seats and hushing babies during class.  Those other babies have come and are still coming, and my arms are empty.  Nothing is going to change that.  These little ones arrive and life changes, but after months of preparation, I am now learning to move forward without her.  

It is so hard to go back to the way it used to be when I am so forever changed.  It is hard to look forward in our lives, knowing she won't be a part of it on this earth.  She will never stand and sing in the Primary Program, I will never be able to help her learn the songs.  She wont grow up with her big brother and daddy protecting and loving her, and big brother will never be annoyed by a pesky little sister.  I listen to the words of each song, wondering if I will someday get to teach her the truths of the Gospel or if she will already know them and will be teaching me.

I did pretty well today until the closing song.:
 "I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me. I want to share my life with them through all eternity.  Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan.  I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can.  The Lord has shown me how I can."

I have heard/sung those words so many times.  Today they have more meaning. They sting and simultaneously give indescribable peace.  This earth no longer holds everything precious to me, and more than anything I want to have us all together again.  Forever.

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