Happy Thanks-Living...

I have not wanted Thanksgiving Day to occur this year.  Willa's due date has been in my head "the day after Thanksgiving" since the moment the doctor reported her findings.  When the question came from people about her miraculous, anticipated arrival, and when we made plans for the upcoming season, that was the answer I gave.  I could have said November 28th, but in my heart and head, there was something special and sweet about her joining our family during the season when people seem to show the most gratitude.  We were so grateful for her and her birth, and it seemed to be such a fitting detail to the story of her life.

I had imagined that I would still be eagerly anticipating her birth, or recuperating in the hospital with my healthy baby girl close by today.  What I hadn't ever even considered was being 6 weeks postpartum, completely recovered from a c-section, with empty arms, longing for my baby, and caught somewhere between the emotions of gratitude and grief.  Grateful for health, strength, the beaming 11 year old who calls me mom and still lets me kiss him, for a wonderful loving husband who is the best step-dad ever, for two families that we have walked with me through dark journeys and beautiful experiences, and for host of friends who have been a sustaining force in my life. Grieving for a that little girl that I miss way more than I can explain.  Grieving for the fact I was missing experiences we were going to have - all the firsts and all moments safely wrapped up in family love.  And all the sacrificed memories - gone.  A lifetime of memories never to be had - erased with the last beat of tiny little heart.

One thing I have learned over the last few months is to be grateful for every day ON every day.  Not just one day of gratitude  - but living a life of gratitude.  Because those memories and treasures we anticipated on having are not always guaranteed   There is no do-over.   The only guarantee we have is this moment - this chance to treasure today. I am trying my hardest each day to find one thing to be grateful for  - to live in thanks rather than show it.  Some days are more full of blessings than others just as some days are overflowing with sadness and tears. But there is something beautiful in every day and even rain is necessary to make flowers grow.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sticky Fingers Dilemma

This is a repost done from the blog on MFP dated January 22, 2015 So it happened today.  I went to lunch with my sister, and thought I was making a healthy choice.  I ordered a salad....check.  Ordered the dressing on the side....check. I was short on calories for the day so I ordered the sticky fingers as my protein...check.  Or not.    Food arrived, and I placed the bowl (yes bowl) of Ranch dressing on the side and tip-dipped my fork in it as I began my first bite. The salad was delicious, and I felt so good about my choice - used very little dressing. Once the meal was over and I got home, I searched MyFitnessPal for the meal to add it to my daily calories.  1110 calories .  Not even kidding.  I even searched the restaurant website to make sure it was right.  I had ordered the lunch salad after all, and that high number just had to include the bowl of ranch. Nope.  The lunch salad without dressing is listed as 1110 calories.   Two-thirds  of my calorie goal on my eating plan - in on
Read more

No Excuses...NO LIMIT!

Image
There have been times in my life when God sends me messages in very overt ways. It is usually when I have already felt something (usually a course of action or idea) in my heart and then I sit back, and procrastinate with it. Now, mind you, I am NOT ignoring it completely... just letting it sit idle for awhile, looking the other way, waiting, and making all kinds of excuses as different things get put in line before it. Waiting for what? Who knows. Why do I procrastinate and allow myself to turn away? Distraction? Fear? Doubt? You get the point (and could probably add a few more good ones to the list as well). This pivotal course of action and idea got distracted a few weeks ago by a host of things and just kept getting lower and lower on "the list." Until this weekend. Within just 3 days I was well aware of my lack of focus and the long list of excuses I was beginning to believe. I have been set straight again. The first clear message (in case I missed that b
Read more

Exercise At Home

One of the obstacles I faced at home was finding time and "umph" to exercise. I had big plans to jog every morning before breakfast and hike on the mountain in front of home. I found myself measuring distances from my parents to different stores, etc. to see where I could run to. I did jog on a couple of days...and 6 miles...while I was there, but with the snow and coming down with a touch of a flu/cold my big plans didn't end up so great. Eating was a bit of a struggle. I wasn't in my kitchen, and sometimes didn't have a choice as to where or what was available to eat, but I really tried to remain focused and center my energy on making healthy choices for food and exercise. Besides jogging, we also swam, went for short walks, and played outside. I haven't weighed in yet, so I don't know what the final results were, but I did feel pretty good about what I had done.
Read more