Whispers

We all have times when life feels hard; when we are frustrated and tired and just want to hide away.  If that's right now, don't worry - every caterpillar has to rest to become a butterfly and you'll soon find your wings again.  In the mean time, let your Angels wrap you in theirs.  You are so loved  - Anna Taylor

It seems like yesterday and forever all at the same time.  How is it possible that a month has already passed since I first looked in to Willa's eyes?  I remember thinking that we would be in NICU at least until Thanksgiving.  I remember telling her dad the only gift I wanted for Christmas was to have my baby home.  

It has started snowing.  It seems awful early, but I would rather just fast forward through this holiday season anyway.  At first I worried about her body buried deep in the cold ground, and that made me want to cuddle her.  I seem to be feeling extra cold these days, especially with all the cold weather.  I was worried about her being too cold.  Silly I know, but I am still a mother who worries for her children. While buying big brother a new coat (at least I can make sure he is warm) his dad unexpectedly texted me about visitation that he thought was to occur in a couple hours.  Obviously there had not a any prior communication about it and much had been assumed.  I knew quickly that we were going to disagree, and on cue my body began to tremble.  Within a short period of time, it escalated and I was left feeling harassed and bombarded.  Weak.  Tired.  Frustrated.  Broken.  Sad.  Lonely.  Do I need to go on?  None of that seemed to matter to him, and he kept at me until I had to enlist the help of my husband to act as a buffer.  I don't expect this man to understand my situation nor do I expect compassion from him.  Mostly, I hate feeling so vulnerable with my emotions so close to the surface that they don't even need a trigger.  I feel like a piece of me died with Willa.  My wings are lost and so is my strength.

To clear my head, I went to see Willa.  I parked my car and stared at her grave through tears. Weeping, screaming, and pleading with Willa and with God to give me strength to get through this situation and the rest of the day.  I told Willa how much I loved her and how hard it was for me to be without her.  And I watched as her nightlight began to flicker on as the sun set.  

Within a few minutes a friend had texted and several others had sent sweet messages on social media that all seemed to be an attempt to remind me of her presence.  Whispers that she was there...an anchor for my soul and loving me every day.   She also wanted to remind me of the love of those around me. Mission accomplished.  

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