Dear Willa: No, This Is Not The End

I love this song by Gungor - This Is Not The End: http://youtu.be/t5Cjt83wWDk

This is not the end
This is not the end of this
We will open our eyes wide, wider

This is not our last
This is not our last breath
We will open our mouths wide, wider

And you know you’ll be alright
Oh and you know you’ll be alright

This is not the end
This is not the end of us
We will shine like the stars bright, brighter

It makes me think of you baby girl. It makes me think of the morning of your last day on Earth.  Three months ago today.  

Scrubbing off our "germs" to come see you felt foolish.   Nothing I could do could make you sicker, nothing I could do would heal you.   As we approached your incubator, I expected to see you look at me as always - with your eyes meeting mine, assuring me that you knew who we were, followed by your gaze upward, looking for your daddy's strong hand on your head.  Instead. you looked at me like your big brother does when he doesn't feel good - and your eyes confirmed what my mommy heart already knew. You were hurting, your tiny body was breaking, you didn't feel good, and you were beginning your journey Home.   I was helpless to comfort you, protect you. and make you better.  Yet, in your eyes I did not see fear.  I saw love.  Love that has always existed and will not end.   Love that brought you to us, and love that will bear us up until we hold you again.  Your soul told mine,  "Mom, you know this isn't the end." And I knew what we were doing was part of your designed plan. A plan given by your Creator, and mine.   This was your 8 day grand journey,  and we were just privileged to be along for the ride. 

The machines stopped,  I bathed and cuddled you again, getting you in your pretty new white dress and a bright pink bow for your hair.  Ready to see your daddy one last time,  and ready to return Home - leaving sparkles and butterflies in your wake. Your body may have stopped, but your spirit has not, and it's an undeniable source of strength to us...all of us.  You are woven into our days, the walls of our home, our memories, and our hearts - permanently.  

When I hear this song - I imagine you singing it to me.  Your dark hair rustling in the breeze, grabbing my hand as we walk together.  You feel good and have no pain,..your body perfectly healed to match your unquenchable spirit.  Your cuddles are just as I imagine them to be. Sweet, strong, and warm. Your beautiful eyes sparkle, and speak again to my soul.  "Remember Mom, remember.   This is not the end.  There is no end to love.  There is no death above."

Oh baby girl, thank you!  I will try to remember.  It's so easy to forget when my arms ache for you every day.  It's so hard to remember what I have to look forward to  - when I see other little ones who are your same age and I have only memories.  It's so hard when I worry that you are alone because you are not with us, even though I know you are surrounded by loved ones and new angel friends.  I know you are in the Lord's constant care until I can be with you, but please be patient with me and keep reminding me every day..

" The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and 

we shall soon have them again." 

Until that day,

Mom