Running With Willa

It is January 1, 2015.  I spent the majority of 2014 carrying my sweet baby girl Willa.  I was nauseous from day one until hours after her birth, and there was not a moment of those 8 months that I wasn't aware of her growing inside of me. 70 days ago we held her, told her how much we loved her, and said goodbye as she left us for heaven.  Too perfect, too pure, and probably ready for her next adventure.  I have felt her absence profoundly in my life each and every one of those days that she has been gone.

Instead of starting this new year with the sounds of baby cries, sleepless nights of feeding, and baby cuddles, rather her pictures adorn my walls and everything she touched or used in her 8 short days lies quietly in a memory box. Her entire life is documented in two small butterfly-covered photo albums.

I had so many plans for her.  So many more pictures to take and so many new memories to make with our family of four.  I had so many plans for that full head of dark hair she surprised us with!  I look for her in some small way everyday - and I have been trying to figure out a way to carry her with us through this next tough year.  Today I felt her nudging at my soul.  Nudging me to get back to the things I love to do and those that help me become the best version of myself.  The part of me that misses her doesn't want to move forward - it wants to freeze time and replay on a loop the last moments I had with her.  

But I think she has other plans for me. Somehow, I think I will feel her and "find" her in moving forward - in doing those things that ignite my soul.  

Our family has decided to run at least 2015 miles in 2015 - in her honor.  We will be taking her with us  - in our hearts - as we each contribute to the mileage.  After that decision, she continued to nudge me and I also discovered that one insect has the longest of all migrations - monarch butterflies.  They begin in October and they fly some 2000+ miles to warmer climates.  I was reminded instantly of that crisp October morning that we released 3 dozen monarch butterflies at her final resting place in celebration and honor of Willa. There, they  instinctively began thier long journey to a new place.

Today's nudging feels very much like it is her way of encouraging us to move forward to better things, and letting us know she isn't very far away....  

I will be thinking (and documenting) each mile and memory of this next year with her leading the way.  Here is to hoping that 2015 is a little easier on our hearts, full of courage for the journey, and has us believing in hope again. 
  

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