Tiny Feet and Mile One

That first mile is always the hardest. 

When I began daydreaming about the joys of having a daughter, one of the things I always imagined we would have in common was running.  I thought about her first time in jogging stroller clear through her participating in family 5k's with me.  I always do the Race For The Cure on Mother's Day weekend with one of my dearest friends in honor of her mother's battle with breast cancer.  It is a "girls weekend" and yeah - I planned we would have many of those pre-race pictures together.  

I wanted to teach her about a healthy body image and how good it feels to overcome obstacles and how good healthy feels.  I wanted her life to be free of the self-doubt that plagued me for so many years.  I wanted to pass on to her the confidence I gained during my 100+ pound weight loss journey and subsequent love for being active.  I wanted to teach her how to be the best version of her - the one God intended on her becoming.  

And before I could do all that -she was gone.  Her little feet never touched this earth, and she never made it to that first ride in the stroller that I had planned.  And in her absence, my life shattered.  My confidence shrank, and the self-doubt began creeping in again.  I have never felt so broken in my life as I did those first few weeks following her short life.  I was desperate to have her back.  Desperate to reclaim the future I never got, and desperate to mother a baby I had grown within me and grown to love so deeply in my heart.  

Ironically, I think she is teaching me (or rather reminding me) of all the things I wanted so MUCH to give her.  She will never have a negative body image, she will never fall prey to self-doubt because of her weight or physical limitations.  When she has a body again, it will already be healthy and perfect - free of disease and pain.  She is already the best version of her - perfected by her her short life.  I am the one who learns from her.  I am the one that must continue to strive to live my life in a way that leads me back to Him so that I can be with her again.  I will run for her - and leave her "footprints" on this earth until that day.  One mile at a time.