Tiny Feet and Mile One

That first mile is always the hardest. 

When I began daydreaming about the joys of having a daughter, one of the things I always imagined we would have in common was running.  I thought about her first time in jogging stroller clear through her participating in family 5k's with me.  I always do the Race For The Cure on Mother's Day weekend with one of my dearest friends in honor of her mother's battle with breast cancer.  It is a "girls weekend" and yeah - I planned we would have many of those pre-race pictures together.  

I wanted to teach her about a healthy body image and how good it feels to overcome obstacles and how good healthy feels.  I wanted her life to be free of the self-doubt that plagued me for so many years.  I wanted to pass on to her the confidence I gained during my 100+ pound weight loss journey and subsequent love for being active.  I wanted to teach her how to be the best version of her - the one God intended on her becoming.  

And before I could do all that -she was gone.  Her little feet never touched this earth, and she never made it to that first ride in the stroller that I had planned.  And in her absence, my life shattered.  My confidence shrank, and the self-doubt began creeping in again.  I have never felt so broken in my life as I did those first few weeks following her short life.  I was desperate to have her back.  Desperate to reclaim the future I never got, and desperate to mother a baby I had grown within me and grown to love so deeply in my heart.  

Ironically, I think she is teaching me (or rather reminding me) of all the things I wanted so MUCH to give her.  She will never have a negative body image, she will never fall prey to self-doubt because of her weight or physical limitations.  When she has a body again, it will already be healthy and perfect - free of disease and pain.  She is already the best version of her - perfected by her her short life.  I am the one who learns from her.  I am the one that must continue to strive to live my life in a way that leads me back to Him so that I can be with her again.  I will run for her - and leave her "footprints" on this earth until that day.  One mile at a time. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sticky Fingers Dilemma

This is a repost done from the blog on MFP dated January 22, 2015 So it happened today.  I went to lunch with my sister, and thought I was making a healthy choice.  I ordered a salad....check.  Ordered the dressing on the side....check. I was short on calories for the day so I ordered the sticky fingers as my protein...check.  Or not.    Food arrived, and I placed the bowl (yes bowl) of Ranch dressing on the side and tip-dipped my fork in it as I began my first bite. The salad was delicious, and I felt so good about my choice - used very little dressing. Once the meal was over and I got home, I searched MyFitnessPal for the meal to add it to my daily calories.  1110 calories .  Not even kidding.  I even searched the restaurant website to make sure it was right.  I had ordered the lunch salad after all, and that high number just had to include the bowl of ranch. Nope.  The lunch salad without dressing is listed as 1110 calories.   Two-thirds  of my calorie goal on my eating plan - in on
Read more

No Excuses...NO LIMIT!

Image
There have been times in my life when God sends me messages in very overt ways. It is usually when I have already felt something (usually a course of action or idea) in my heart and then I sit back, and procrastinate with it. Now, mind you, I am NOT ignoring it completely... just letting it sit idle for awhile, looking the other way, waiting, and making all kinds of excuses as different things get put in line before it. Waiting for what? Who knows. Why do I procrastinate and allow myself to turn away? Distraction? Fear? Doubt? You get the point (and could probably add a few more good ones to the list as well). This pivotal course of action and idea got distracted a few weeks ago by a host of things and just kept getting lower and lower on "the list." Until this weekend. Within just 3 days I was well aware of my lack of focus and the long list of excuses I was beginning to believe. I have been set straight again. The first clear message (in case I missed that b
Read more

Exercise At Home

One of the obstacles I faced at home was finding time and "umph" to exercise. I had big plans to jog every morning before breakfast and hike on the mountain in front of home. I found myself measuring distances from my parents to different stores, etc. to see where I could run to. I did jog on a couple of days...and 6 miles...while I was there, but with the snow and coming down with a touch of a flu/cold my big plans didn't end up so great. Eating was a bit of a struggle. I wasn't in my kitchen, and sometimes didn't have a choice as to where or what was available to eat, but I really tried to remain focused and center my energy on making healthy choices for food and exercise. Besides jogging, we also swam, went for short walks, and played outside. I haven't weighed in yet, so I don't know what the final results were, but I did feel pretty good about what I had done.
Read more