This Body


While strength training with a new coach this morning (my sweet Cassie moved away) I started to think about this body of mine.  Even though it is technically the same body, for many years after I lost the original 100+ pounds I was afraid of ever going "back" of ever returning to this version of my body.  It sounds like a silly fear, but it was real to me.  When you spend some time in the fitness industry, it becomes harder to ignore the notion that you will never arrive at a goal - but you always need to be chasing one.  The number on the scale to change, a higher weight lifted, more repetitions,  I mean really the list could go on.  It's about always being MORE.

The danger with it is the labels that come from that process.  My worth and self-esteem got all kinds of tied up in them.  Relationships were based on those behaviors.  As long as I was always getting stronger, pushing myself, and having perfect nutrition, I was loved.  I was admired.  I was popular.  The social me thrived in that environment and I proudly wore the label of a trainer who lost over a hundred pounds. People sought me out.  Asked for my opinion.  I was important.  And I fought hard to keep that label.  Along with it the drive for a better version of me - thinner.  Stronger.  More dedicated.  Which equated more loved.  More.  More.  More.  
I learned two very painful lessons.  First, health is fleeting and CAN be lost in matter of moments.  It can also be very hard to get it back.   It took so much courage (and humility) for me to ask for help.  Help to get the fitness going strong again - because that is where I feel my best.    Second, having my worth so intertwined with that health and the attention it brought me was a dangerous game for my mental health.  The worth withered when my health did, and  I have had to work hard at separating the two over the last few years.  

When I began to tell my story to the new trainer today - for the first time there was NO shame.  No eye rolls, heavy sighs, or rationalizing my size, or bemoaning my current state.  No I will be happier when.....
Despite it's weak points, this version of my body is also so strong and equally deserving of the love and care I used to give it.  It created and carried an angel, endured years of chronic illness, and now it can deadlift heavier than before.  It can train for and complete have marathons, walk 80 + pounds dogs, mow lawns. and do just about anything I need it to in terms of helping others with the "heavy lifting" of life.  My focus has turned to giving it the love and respect it deserves.  Pushing it to lift the heavy things, letting it rest when it needs to, feeding it good food, and sometimes indulging it in treats.  Avoiding the things, people, and situations that raise its cortisol and leave it feeling vulnerable.  Spending time with doing things that make it feel appreciated and safe.  
Loving it just as it is - in every version   

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