Start where you ARE, use what you HAVE, do what you CAN.

In 2007, I accomplished something most people never do.  I lost 115 pounds the old-fashioned way.  No gimmicks, no fad diets.  I got in the "drivers seat" with my brain, I moved my body, fueled it as best I could.  Over time, I learned to appreciate my body at every size and shape, and to find gratitude the simplest of moments.  I learned the value of rest for both mind and body.  I truly found my "sweet spot" for optimal health, and I called it my Moxie.

Fast forward to 2017 and I am digging through the ashes of a few disastrous years to find my Moxie again.  Four years ago I found and married my soul mate.  The next year we lost 2 babies.  One to miscarriage before we even got to see it's beating heart, and the second was our 8 day old daughter who was beautifully and wonderfully made with one extra 18th chromosome.  We never got to bring her home.  I buried my baby girl in a tiny white daisy-clad casket, and my life crashed as a piece of my heart died with her.  My health tanked, and I lost all motivation and ambition for things I was once so passionate about.

Here I am above a weight I feel healthy at. Please understand, that I am happy in my skin.  I feel loved in my life unconditionally, I am so grateful for this body and honor what it has been put through the last few years.  But, I know it's wearied from carrying around this Kummerspeck. The "grief bacon" of repeated loss, broken dreams, shattered optimism, and faded confidence.  There has been continued heartbreak, and sometimes I wonder what lessons I am supposed to learn from the tears that hide behind the "I got this" smile and the aching to feel complete.

I admit...I tried fads. I tried shakes and supplements, and all the quick fixes I could google to restore me to a pre-grief mind and body.  None of it has worked.  None of it will because I can never be fully restored to what I once was.  I am changed to the core - and I must remember my experiences, and use what I KNOW works best for me.  I think of this quote by Arther Ashe:

"To achieve greatness, start where you are, use what you have, do what you can."

Having so much stripped from me, I have learned that getting my Moxie back isn't as simple as the fuel I put in my body or the amount of time I spend exercising.  It is about healing.  My mind and my body.  This blog is to chronicle a new kind of transformation...a place to remember that to eat intuitively, to move in a way that makes me happy, to rest my body and mind when needed and love in all the ways possible is the best way to not only honor my body and this life I get to live, but to also honor the memory of my sweet angel daughter.