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The words of a song have hit me so strongly as I navigate this unknown path without Willa during  holidays and winter. Winter Song  (Ingrid Michaelson & Sara Bareilles   A six week postpartum checkup without a baby in tow is perhaps one of the most difficult appointments to keep.  No baby carrier nestling a newborn to show off to the office staff, and no belly poking out past my toes.  Instead, I carried Willa's precious photos and the current inspirational book I was reading about infant loss called "Gone Too Soon."  I sat down and sighed waiting for my name to be called, trying to hold back the tears and avoid eye contact with all the pregnant women around me. Blood pressure was perfect, weight a little high (no surprise), incision completely healed, and to top it off I had already successfully had one period.  "Look at me - all recovered," I said to the nurse.  My body has fully healed from two pregnancies, one miscarriage, and one c-s...

I have not wanted Thanksgiving Day to occur this year.  Willa's due date has been in my head "the day after Thanksgiving" since the moment the doctor reported her findings.  When the question came from people about her miraculous, anticipated arrival, and when we made plans for the upcoming season, that was the answer I gave.  I could have said November 28th, but in my heart and head, there was something special and sweet about her joining our family during the season when people seem to show the most gratitude.  We were so grateful for her and her birth, and it seemed to be such a fitting detail to the story of her life. I had imagined that I would still be eagerly anticipating her birth, or recuperating in the hospital with my healthy baby girl close by today.  What I hadn't ever even considered was being 6 weeks postpartum, completely recovered from a c-section, with empty arms, longing for my baby, and caught somewhere between the emotions of gratitude and g...

We all have times when life feels hard; when we are frustrated and tired and just want to hide away.  If that's right now, don't worry - every caterpillar has to rest to become a butterfly and you'll soon find your wings again.  In the mean time, let your Angels wrap you in theirs.  You are so loved  - Anna Taylor It seems like yesterday and forever all at the same time.  How is it possible that a month has already passed since I first looked in to Willa's eyes?  I remember thinking that we would be in NICU at least until Thanksgiving.  I remember telling her dad the only gift I wanted for Christmas was to have my baby home.   It has started snowing.  It seems awful early, but I would rather just fast forward through this holiday season anyway.  At first I worried about her body buried deep in the cold ground, and that made me want to cuddle her.  I seem to be feeling extra cold these days, especially with all the cold wea...

Dear Willa, I brought you fresh daisies today - the last of the flowers given to us for your services. A big bouquet arrived from an anonymous giver the day after.  They have been beautiful to look at as we try to live each day without you.  I cleaned up the old dead flowers, and also put down your new wreath.  It is the only way I feel I can take care of you while I am still here, and you are in Heaven.  And then I remembered - Daddy  hates daisies.  He has a reason, and there is a story.  I would love to hear Grandma Sharon's version of why she chose to remove grass and plant a yard full of daisies, You should ask her to tell you her story while you are there together.  I am told that your dad (and siblings) had the task of weeding the "patch" of daisies.  Out of such chores grew a hatred for them. I love daisies.  I think they are beautiful and yet such simple flowers.  They can grow pretty heartily in harsh conditions - much ...

Today was big brother's last participation in our church's annual event - the Primary Program.  It is held during our congregational meeting, lasting about an hour, and is the chance for all our children to show the congregation the songs and gospel truths they have learned throughout the year.   I loved watching him participate, knowing that within just a few months he will be graduating on to bigger and better things.  He is the tallest kid in the group, and to top it off he is sporting a neon green cast from thumb to shoulder covering the arm he broke the night before Willa's funeral.  He smiles.  I am not sure he is excited that his favorite aunt showed up as a surprise, or if he is glad this is the last time he has to do this.   It has been hard to return to full church attendance.  I am not mad at God or fading in my beliefs. I am just empty, and going reminds me of just that.  A a few weeks ago, I was one of six expectant mothers sharing st...

I miss her most at night or in the early morning hours when there are no daily life noises to distract my soul.   My womb aches to feel her kick and move - the sweet reassurances that she's there, growing and living.  Precious interaction between mother and daughter that should have lasted much longer.  Two weeks ago I was a new NICU mommy medicating my c-section pain, waking every few hours so that I could pump precious milk, and being wheeled down to another wing in the hospital to see my girl.  I was so hopeful and optimistic for her strength and growth, singing her Primary Songs through incubator glass. One week ago I lay sleepless with a tear-stained pillow, having said good-bye to my baby. Relishing in my memories of watching her stretch in joy having all her tubes removed, giving her a sponge bath, and dressing her tiny body. I sang to her again, and watched her fall asleep for the last time.  Tonight I lay with tears rolling again. I long to have he...

I absolutely love this picture and the little girl in it.  She is my darling grand-nice Shay.  She is spunky, feisty, and full of life - all the qualities that I expected to see in my beautiful Willa.  I imagine she too would have been enchanted by butterflies and piles of leaves begging to be jumped in.  I loved watching the pure joy in Shay's face as she pranced around with a REAL LIVE butterfly on her hand.   Yes, my darling Shay prances (wherever she goes) because she knows she is a beautiful princess who is very much loved. What else can one do but prance with knowledge like that? I imagine my sweet Willa is also prancing in Heaven.  She too, knows how loved she was and always will be.  I couldn't imagine ending the celebration of her life in any other way than we did.  Releasing beautiful butterflies that stayed just long enough for us to admire them and enjoy the opportunity to have one rest upon our hands until it warmed up in the sunshine...