oops

While strength training with a new coach this morning (my sweet Cassie moved away) I started to think about this body of mine.  Even though it is technically the same body, for many years after I lost the original 100+ pounds I was afraid of ever going "back" of ever returning to this version of my body.  It sounds like a silly fear, but it was real to me.  When you spend some time in the fitness industry, it becomes harder to ignore the notion that you will never arrive at a goal - but you always need to be chasing one.  The number on the scale to change, a higher weight lifted, more repetitions,  I mean really the list could go on.  It's about always being MORE. The danger with it is the labels that come from that process.  My worth and self-esteem got all kinds of tied up in them.  Relationships were based on those behaviors.  As long as I was always getting stronger, pushing myself, and having perfect nutrition, I was loved.  I was a...

I have been thinking about starting another blog for quite some time.  Actually, if you notice my posted dated  Thursday, March 14, 2013, it has been about 6 years.  Ironic huh?   I did have a good run with the moxiebymichele blog but then it changed a couple of more times, and then my life story had a huge plot twist, and everything got turned upside down and shaken - like a snow globe.  I still feel like I am grasping for the pieces still left floating in the air.   I am not the same woman I was before it all happened.  Before I took a huge leap back in to the Mommy ring, only to be beaten several times by miscarriage, and finally the rare chance of a chromosomal mutation.  For more on that you can read www.willamichele.blogspot.com .  Although bereavement and grief have drastically altered by body and mind, in a way that I can't explain they have also forged something new in me - something so significant that could only come thro...

Originally posted in Moxie Memoirs on 10/13/2017 As I have tried to dig through the mess of the last three years, and perhaps find some good resources to pass on to friends and clients, I stumbled on the work of  Dr. Melissa McCreery and her website .  There has been WAY too much on my plate for multiple years, and to be honest the last three were the tipping point.  They took everything I had learned about health and fitness, boxed it up and shoved it in the back of my mental closet where I didn’t have to face the incongruity of my life of a health professional with an unhealthy physical and mental state.  Some days I felt like I had been living someone else’s life.   Since changing some habits and getting my brain to function better, I am able to step back and see the how the severity of what I was going through led to where I was. Dr. McCreery’s BEAST info-graphic was like a freakish road map to my unplanned, emotional, haphazard eating habits. I was hun...

Posted in Moxie Memoirs on 03/28/2018 Some weeks I feel like a rock star. Food (the constant thinking and eating of it) and finding time for exercise come effortlessly. I set out to follow my plan designed to reach my goals and it seems to intuitively come together. I feel a little bit like my authentic self..my body and soul in harmony. It’s a feeling of wholeness that I can’t explain but savor when I find it. Some weeks..not so much. Weeks like this last one – no matter how I try or plan I find I can’t quite reach that. Things happen and crowd out my plans. The Gremlins start smack-talking about my  worth  and  willpower  and suddenly I’ve faded in to the background of my own life. My tendency is to default to feeling like a  failure - and  I’m trying to pause before my brain absorbs that and invites more Gremlins to the table. Truth is – life isn’t perfect and with all I have going on, setbacks are inevitable. I’ve learned to be prepared for them. In ord...

Purpose is a funny word for me when it comes to grief and baby loss.  Purpose of my life.  Purpose of suffering.  Purpose in extra chromosomes. Purpose in early births.  Purpose in infertility.  I think I always believed that there was a purpose  in everything, but I as I have plunged forward in the last few years, I haven't been able to make sense of most of it.  I haven't been able to find a purpose in most of it.  I can't believe in my heart that purpose is equal to suffering and pain.  On the other side the last few years have created a different purpose for me.  I now seek to help other moms that have suffered baby loss through volunteering for Utah Share.  I have found a deeper sense of empathy for others in their own suffering.  I have had to find new purpose in my life in regards to children.  They are not coming - at least not in this earthly time frame.  It was an entire shift of purpose for me. 

In 2007, I accomplished something most people never do.  I lost 115 pounds the old-fashioned way.  No gimmicks, no fad diets.  I got in the "drivers seat" with my brain, I moved my body, fueled it as best I could.  Over time, I learned to appreciate my body at every size and shape, and to find gratitude the simplest of moments.  I learned the value of rest for both mind and body.  I truly found my "sweet spot" for optimal health, and I called it my Moxie. Fast forward to 2017 and I am digging through the ashes of a few disastrous years to find my Moxie again.  Four years ago I found and married my soul mate.  The next year we lost 2 babies.  One to miscarriage before we even got to see it's beating heart, and the second was our 8 day old daughter who was beautifully and wonderfully made with one extra 18th chromosome.  We never got to bring her home.  I buried my baby girl in a tiny white daisy-clad casket, and my life crashed as a ...

It is really hard to wear the Mother Cap when little ones are missing.  This was too good to not post here.  Sweet Willa, I will FOREVER be your mother, and I pray I live in a way that makes you proud of me.   What Makes a Mother  by Jennifer Wasik I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother And I know I heard him say... A mother has a baby This we know is true. But, God, can you be a mother when your baby is not with you? Yes, you can He replied, With confidence in His voice. I give many women babies When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others just for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat And then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you What your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile With other children and say: "We go to earth to learn our lessons...