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I miss her most at night or in the early morning hours when there are no daily life noises to distract my soul.   My womb aches to feel her kick and move - the sweet reassurances that she's there, growing and living.  Precious interaction between mother and daughter that should have lasted much longer.  Two weeks ago I was a new NICU mommy medicating my c-section pain, waking every few hours so that I could pump precious milk, and being wheeled down to another wing in the hospital to see my girl.  I was so hopeful and optimistic for her strength and growth, singing her Primary Songs through incubator glass. One week ago I lay sleepless with a tear-stained pillow, having said good-bye to my baby. Relishing in my memories of watching her stretch in joy having all her tubes removed, giving her a sponge bath, and dressing her tiny body. I sang to her again, and watched her fall asleep for the last time.  Tonight I lay with tears rolling again. I long to have her in my arms for a late n

I absolutely love this picture and the little girl in it.  She is my darling grand-nice Shay.  She is spunky, feisty, and full of life - all the qualities that I expected to see in my beautiful Willa.  I imagine she too would have been enchanted by butterflies and piles of leaves begging to be jumped in.  I loved watching the pure joy in Shay's face as she pranced around with a REAL LIVE butterfly on her hand.   Yes, my darling Shay prances (wherever she goes) because she knows she is a beautiful princess who is very much loved. What else can one do but prance with knowledge like that? I imagine my sweet Willa is also prancing in Heaven.  She too, knows how loved she was and always will be.  I couldn't imagine ending the celebration of her life in any other way than we did.  Releasing beautiful butterflies that stayed just long enough for us to admire them and enjoy the opportunity to have one rest upon our hands until it warmed up in the sunshine and then took flight.  That is

When I began planning this day, I hadn't planned on two thngs.  I hadn't planned to have my boy recovering from a broken arm the night before, and I hadn't expected to see a sea of butterfly pins in the audience.  Willa's symbol has always been a butterfly, and these pins you wear are an unexpected gift from my sweet nieces in memory of their cousin Willa.  Her symbol is also the reason we are releasing live butterflies today at her gravesite. This morning Isaac asked me when his arm would stop hurting.  I replied that it would when it began to heal from the inside.  I realized then that our healing from Willa's death would be from the inside out. We are very grateful for all your love and support as we travel what has been our darkest journey.  We are blessed to live in a community where leaving the back door open results in food being left on the counter and dishes being done.  We have also felt the love from people hundreds and thousands of miles away.  All of it

These is the talk given by our wonderful Bishop Milne: Willa Michele Tolman Funeral October 27, 2014 As I contemplated the brief sojourn of Willa Tolman in mortality, I turned to the teachings of one who experienced the death of his newborn children and had a divine perspective on such a tragedy . Of the eleven children of Joseph and Emma Smith - nine born to them and two adopted - only five lived to adulthood.  Four of them died shortly after birth.  Joseph also lost three brothers to untimely deaths. I quote the following statements from the prophet Joseph Smith (Teachings of Presidents of the Church – Joseph Smith, Chapter 14): "I have ... asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us... The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils o

Willa loved music, and so in addition to a beautiful piano rendition of  "Come Thou Fount" (my favorite hymn) played by a cousin, we also sang this version of  I Am A Child of God.  When I read these words, it was as if Willa was speaking to me - to us - through them. Here is a link to listen to the song while you read the words. MUSIC I am a child of God, and he has called me home. My earthly journey's through but still, I do not walk alone. (He) leads me, guides me, walks beside me, helps me find the way, (He) welcomed me with open arms. I live with Him today. I am a child of God and I have gone ahead. My earthly life was brief but oh, such peace and love you gave. (You) loved me, held me, stood beside me and though I cannot stay. (You) gave me much to help me and I live with Him today. I am a child of God and I will wait for you. Celestial glory shall be ours, if you can but endure. (I'll) lead you, guide you, walk beside you. Help you find the way. (I'll) welc

Obituary  (online link) Our beautiful little princess, Willa Michele Tolman, returned to her Father in Heaven on October 23, 2014. She decided she was ready to join the world seven weeks early on October 15, 2014. She fought a condition for over a week that normally would have given her only hours on earth. During her short life, she taught us that small things can be very strong and how it feels to fall in love completely. She let her mommy snuggle her and give her kisses, melted her daddy's heart, and adored her awesome and loving big brother. Willa showed us that no matter the circumstances you can accomplish difficult things. Willa is survived by her loving parents, Michele and Phillip Tolman; brother, Isaac; grandparents, Rodney and Nancy Lund, and Jaren Tolman.  She was preceded in death by her grandmother, Sharon; and uncles, Daniel Tolman, Officer Dee Lund, and William (Bill) Tolman.  Funeral Services will be held Monday, October 27, 2014 at the Marriot-Slaterville 3rd Ward

Once the pain had become manageable, we were assigned a room in the Women & Newborn wing.  It was a weird feeling to be headed there without my newborn to recover.  She stayed in NICU for what we thought was going to be a long stay until she could come home with us.  The nurses offered me the chance to see her on my way there.  I happily agreed and met my daughter for the first time through the Plexiglas of an incubator.    She was even more precious than I anticipated,  and looking into her eyes for the first time I was completely and hopelessly in love - captivated by the opportunity to meet this little human that had been growing inside of me.  I had been envisioning what and who she would look like, and so I began studying every feature of her that I could see.  She had my webbed toes, but she was mostly her Daddy.  Yes, from her full head of dark hair and perfect nose down to her precious feet, she was definitely her Daddy's little girl. The nurses reported that she was do

After being told that we would be having an emergency c-section that afternoon, we were scurried off to the same room where we met with the geneticist.  I remembered the conversation at 12 weeks upon finding her hygroma.  They asked if we wanted to continue with the pregnancy and conduct more decisive testing.  We opted for neither, wanting to give Willa her best chance at life.  The hygroma had resolved by 22 weeks, she was given a clean heart scan at Primary Children's, and we had no indication in that moment that the complications we were facing were a result of Trisomy 18.  The pregnancy hadn't been easy (as was promised to me in a blessing) but the Lord had been there. to guide and comfort. We began to accept this new mountain path and prepared ourselves for a preemie baby. "I need a blessing right now," I said to Phillip as we sat there together with his arms around me trying to calm my sobbing.  He promptly pulled out a chair and began to tell me to be at peace

October 15 2014.  Ironically (unbeknownst to me) National Infant Loss Awareness Day.  When I woke up that Wednesday, I  knew something important was going to happen. I hadn't slept well for a couple of nights, and the morning felt very heavy.  It was cold and raining as we headed up to McKay-Dee for a 9:40 appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine.  We had been seeing them weekly since Willa had started lagging in growth, measuring just 2.26 pounds at 30 weeks.  She had slipped from the 15th percentile for growth down to the 8th, and the planned steroid injections to help her lungs mature stopped due to an allergic reaction in me.  I had already been to the hospital once for bleeding after lifting laundry, and was nervously counting every kick and movement each and every day.  The placenta had started tearing, and our goal was just to keep her safely inside as long as possible and aim for 37 weeks gestation.  Our hope was that in the three weeks since being labeled "growth rest