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I love this song by Gungor - This Is Not The End: http://youtu.be/t5Cjt83wWDk This is not the end This is not the end of this We will open our eyes wide, wider This is not our last This is not our last breath We will open our mouths wide, wider And you know you’ll be alright Oh and you know you’ll be alright This is not the end This is not the end of us We will shine like the stars bright, brighter It makes me think of you baby girl. It makes me think of the morning of your last day on Earth.  Three months ago today.   Scrubbing off our "germs" to come see you felt foolish.   Nothing I could do could make you sicker, nothing I could do would heal you.   As we approached your incubator, I expected to see you look at me as always - with your eyes meeting mine, assuring me that you knew who we were, followed by your gaze upward, looking for your daddy's strong hand on your head.  Instead. you looked at me like your big brother does when he doesn't feel good - and your ey

I LOVE logging my first meal of the day.  Fresh slate,  clean paper,  or in my case all zero's on MFP.  A chance to start again. A do-over.   And, its not just for the physical goals I am striving to maintain like food and exercise.  It's for  emotions,  pain, fears, negative thoughts,  worries, letting go, helping others,  forgiving,  and all the other things that feed (or starve) my soul.   Each day a chance to dare and be a little stronger, a little better than the 24 hours before. I especially like that feeling of renewal when the previous day wasn't so great. For me...yesterday was one.   I woke up feeling like the day was already bigger than me.  Like all the negative I fight off each day was already winning and my feet hadn't touched the floor.   I held on for dear life most of it, and was grateful when my head hit the pillow.  And then it hit me.... It had been exactly three months to the day I found out my beautiful preemie daughter was terminally ill.  My days

A sweet angel mommy wrote this...I only see her as TreysMommy on a grief support site, but I loved her words and they spoke to me.  I have changed it from "him" to "her."  The original poem can be found here:  I Mention Him  I Mention Her Not to make you uncomfortable, She's my daughter, I should be able to talk about her. Not to dwell, She will forever be my daughter, part of my life, my heart. Not to make you feel guilty, She is a child just like your own, but she's in Heaven. Not to bring you down, It brings me joy to speak of her fondly. Not to get attention, She exists in my life just as your topics of conversation exists in yours. Not to gain sympathy, Believe you me, I wish I did not have to speak of her in the past tense. Not to bring you down, My grief is lifelong, my healing is in the only life she has now, her mommy. Not to rub it in your face, I would never wish this on ANYONE! Not to make it about me, I am just another parent trying to speak of

I used to do incline situps with a 25 pound weight while alternating oblique twists.   Post c-section...I'm proud of this little win, a victory off the scale.  5 inclined situps.  I was aiming for one!

"You never know what's around the corner.  It could be everything.  Or it could be nothing.  You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain."  ~Tom Hiddleston Stood before my mountain Yet another one to climb Asked how shall I get this done A single step at at time. But this mountain is new Above me it does soar It remains this way through One step, then one step more Of the climb I grow weary This summit may not reach Take a step, you will see You draw closer with each The mountain is my destiny To climb is my life's writ One single step set me free In this step, my refusal to quit.

"... men and women who turn their lives over to God will find out that he can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose his life to God will find he has eternal life.  (Ezra T. Benson) Simple truth.  Put God in as the coach/mentor for your life and watch what happens...  

Before I lost 115 pounds, I believed that true success was measured by losing the weight once, and then never looking back - abandoning that life, that body, and that person. Now, I believe that true success is found in accepting and loving ourselves at whatever size that body is and always opting for possibilities. I am starting a new journey. In 2013 I had some health related issues that triggered a 30 pound gain.  Just as I was getting those resolved, I became pregnant with my 2nd child.  I miscarried in January, and was pregnant again with my third baby in early March.  A daughter.  A beautiful precious girl with a full head of dark hair and a spunky non--conforming personality detectable in ultrasounds.  Since I had miscarried during exercise, I had convinced my brain that I had to take it easy with her to make sure she arrived healthy.  (Losing a baby really messes with you.)  Then, my sweet Willa arrived early in October and only gave us 8 days to meet and love her in person. An

That first mile is always the hardest.  When I began daydreaming about the joys of having a daughter, one of the things I always imagined we would have in common was running.  I thought about her first time in jogging stroller clear through her participating in family 5k's with me.  I always do the Race For The Cure on Mother's Day weekend with one of my dearest friends in honor of her mother's battle with breast cancer.  It is a "girls weekend" and yeah - I planned we would have many of those pre-race pictures together.   I wanted to teach her about a healthy body image and how good it feels to overcome obstacles and how good healthy feels.  I wanted her life to be free of the self-doubt that plagued me for so many years.  I wanted to pass on to her the confidence I gained during my 100+ pound weight loss journey and subsequent love for being active.  I wanted to teach her how to be the best version of her - the one God intended on her becoming.   And before I co

Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world:  he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. After refusing to condemn the woman taken in adultery, Jesus told her "Go, and sin no more."  He was essentially telling her to go forward and abandon her old life without looking back.   How was she to do this?  How was she to let go of the lifestyle she new and embrace the promise of a better unknown?  The answer came in his next sentence to those who wanted to stone her. Similarly, abandoning unhealthy health habits, and adopting a healthier lifestyle can be daunting and may feel like a dark and very unknown path.  There is comfort and companionship in foods we love, and our daily life may seem too full to add in time for physical fitness.  The optimum Light and companion for the journey is the Master Trainer, the Top Nutritionist, and the best Life Coach available.  He knows us and loves us better than we can comprehend

It is January 1, 2015.  I spent the majority of 2014 carrying my sweet baby girl Willa.  I was nauseous from day one until hours after her birth, and there was not a moment of those 8 months that I wasn't aware of her growing inside of me. 70 days ago we held her, told her how much we loved her, and said goodbye as she left us for heaven.  Too perfect, too pure, and probably ready for her next adventure.  I have felt her absence profoundly in my life each and every one of those days that she has been gone. Instead of starting this new year with the sounds of baby cries, sleepless nights of feeding, and baby cuddles, rather her pictures adorn my walls and everything she touched or used in her 8 short days lies quietly in a memory box. Her entire life is documented in two small butterfly-covered photo albums. I had so many plans for her.  So many more pictures to take and so many new memories to make with our family of four.  I had so many plans for that full head of dark hair she su